(4.2) Today I had plasma physics and nuclear physics lectures. Later today I'm going to weightlifting club. That should be fun.
You know, it's a bit hard to write here without getting the feeling that I'm being watched and it affecting what I want to say. I'm not sure how to rectify this. It's one thing to say that I'm not going to care about readers but it's another thing entirely to ACTUALLY not care. I think being able to write without fear of judgment could be a benchmark to see how confident in being who I am.
I am firmly of the opinion that our colloquial syntax in physics matters. What we call things matters. It's one thing to be able to do calculations computer-like and spit out the correct answer in terms of numbers or equations every time. It's another thing entirely to be able to intuit what the answer is without needing to do that kind of explicit computation. Intuition is important yet it's not explicitly taught, too often. Not that I necessarily blame instructors for failing to do so. But it certainly doesn't help that some physics terms are misnomers, either subtly or severely. The one that comes to mind right now is shielding. A (positive) test charge placed in the environment of a plasma (i.e. free ions and electrons) will naturally attract electrons that will affect the total flux (and therefore the apparent field to an outside observer). Naturally it will repel free ions, but it's not entirely clear what effect this has. We also call this "shielding"... I def need to deliberate more.
(unknown date) Throughout my life I've always been "kinda" productive. Like I'd put in enough effort to get by in my classes but I never felt that I was living up to my potential. Sometimes I'd declaratively cognize that I was working either "as hard as I can" or measured my output with respect to others (either those around me or some other quasi-canonical measure) and conclude that I was doing just fine. But at the back of my head I had the slight inkling that I was sorta lying to myself. That there was an untapped potential within myself that I hadn't yet made real. Now, I want to choose my words carefully here. Idk if it'd be accurate to say that I was/am "afraid" of my potential. Or "hesitant". Or "disappointed". These words convey particular things that I'm not sure describe my situation-- arbitrating that is perhaps the job of a psychologist. What I can say is that I had these inklings and exhibited the behaviors of doing just enough to get by. Plenty of procrastination and cramming was a part of that. This has been a running theme throughout my life and I'd venture to say that it's the main problem in my life up to and including this point. Other aspects of my life are pretty vicissitudinal in comparison, to be honest, even if you include my (to be honest, pretty nominal) achievements so far (euphonium and quizbowl and ucla). I want this to change. It's not super clear to me how I should go about it.